Jokes

Looking for a new job can be depressing at times. How about some jokes to cheer you up?

"DO NOT TOUCH!" said the sign. In Braille.

Do you know why Scottish people call it a kilt? Because they kilt the last man who called it a skirt!

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender: Hey!

Horse: Sure, I'll have some!

My wife told me to make sure to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.

What animal can jump higher than a house? All of them. Houses can't jump.

What's green and has wheels? Watermelons. I lied about the wheels.

What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

Why can't the T-Rex clap? Because he's been dead for millions of years.

Why do you never see hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They are really good at it.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "You shoot the gun, I'll drive!"

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. But in the end it doesn't even matter.

I, for one, enjoy the use of Roman numerals.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

What do you call a deaf dog? It doesn't matter, he's not coming.

My friend bought me an elephant for my room. I thanked him and he said "Don't mention it"

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It really scares their dogs.

What did 0 say to 8? "Nice belt, bro!"

"I'd like to order a pizza" the man says to the librarian."This is a library" the librarian answers.The man, whispering: "Sorry, I'd like to order a pizza"